


you can feel it on the way home

by newhues



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Childhood Friends, Choi Beomgyu-Centric, First Kiss, Flashbacks, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Misunderstandings, Song: You Are In Love (Taylor Swift), Underage Kissing, descriptions of feeling worthless/anxious, taejun if you squint, that tag is for Beomgyu/Jaeyun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:09:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28313580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/newhues/pseuds/newhues
Summary: they say that home is where the heart is – what they don't say is that it comes in all shapes and sizes.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Choi Soobin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 85
Collections: TXT Secret Santa Fic Fest 2020





	you can feel it on the way home

**Author's Note:**

  * For [minis0de](https://archiveofourown.org/users/minis0de/gifts).



> prompt: persons A and B are childhood friends, B goes through some heartbreak and A has always been there for him. eventually, they end up falling in love with each other, or realise that they always have been.
> 
> i took a few liberties with the prompt, but i hope you enjoy it!
> 
> aaaand thank you to all my precious friends, who were so helpful throughout the entire process and thelovely moderator for being so kind and understanding <3 
> 
> inspired by, and title taken from taylor swift's [you are in love](https://open.spotify.com/track/4A2LfnduSTsE8u0ecYROxE).
> 
> ★☆
> 
> _glossary:_
> 
> • 밤 - night/chestnut & cute way of saying 범 (beom) in 범규 (beomgyu) 
> 
> • ★ - past occurrences 
> 
> • ☆ - occurs in the present 

☆

As always, Beomgyu ignores the look on Soobin’s face. Even after all these years, he doesn't know what it is; can’t put a finger on what it means. But it’s an expression he knows all too well. It's gone in an instant, though, Soobin's eyes dart back to the dash cam, shifts his hands around the steering wheel and reverses out of their driveway. 

They’re on one of their late night drives, a habit Soobin had developed when he was first learning how to drive, and later accompanied by Beomgyu when he left high school to join the same college as Soobin. 

“Where to, today?” 

The question is routine, and the weight of the answer feels familiar on Beomgyu’s tongue, “You know I’d go anywhere as long as you’re with me.”

Soobin’s face contorts to one of mock disgust at that, a slight frown that seems to teeter on the edge of a chuckle and his eyes are bright under the yellow of the street lamps, “You’re terrible, Beomgyu.”

He says it with a joking lilt in his tone, but Beomgyu is well aware that there’s a hint of truth in there somewhere. 

★

It starts with Beomgyu’s fifteenth birthday party, as most things do. He invites a few of his friends over, including Jaeyun - the vocalist and keyboardist of their high school’s makeshift band - simply because he has a huge fucking crush on him. Beomgyu feels reckless. He's fifteen, and he knows Jaeyun is interested in him, too. He has nothing to lose. It starts with a whisper here and there, a lingering touch, and the two disappeared to Beomgyu’s room in the middle of his party.

It’s awkward at first though; they have never been alone before, just the two of them. But Jaeyun takes something shiny out of his jean’s back pocket, whispers, “Here, I have something for you.” A secret for their ears only, and a necklace. He clasps it shut around his neck. It’s a simple thing: a silver chain with a pendant, the faintest markings of a _'밤'_ inscribed at its centre.

Beomgyu smiles, and then laughs, and it comes in waves and he thinks _this is it._

“It’s cute, right? It suits you,” Jaeyun doesn’t move. He doesn’t take his hands away from around Beomgyu’s neck. And they’re close. The proximity is dizzying.

“Hyung, can I?” Beomgyu doesn’t elaborate, doesn’t feel like he needs to. Instead he glances down at his lips and then back into Jaeyun’s eyes as if to ask _is this okay?_ Jaeyun nods, pressing even closer.

And perhaps time stops when their lips meet, because he misses Soobin standing, looking dumbfounded at the open door. Beomgyu can’t hear anything over the sound of his heart pounding against his ribs and Soobin manages to slip away unnoticed, eyes wide, face red.

It isn’t by any means perfect, but for a first kiss it’s pretty damn close.

So they stay like that in each others embrace for a while, the tweed of Jaeyun’s jacket rough under Beomgyu’s fingertips. They wait until the adrenaline rush subsides and they learn how to breathe again. Once they regain some sense of composure, they make their way back to the rest of their friends, donning big, cheesy smiles. It hits him, then, that he hasn’t seen Soobin at all since he arrived. 

“Eomma, have you seen Soobin-hyung?”

His mother’s lips tug downwards into a frown, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere. It’s rude to run away from your own party,” she sighs, but there’s no real bite to her words. She hands him a two litre bottle of Coke and a stack of plastic cups, “As for Soobin, I asked him to look around for you but I haven’t seen him since.”

 _“Soobinie-hyung is here! Soobinie-hyung is here!”_ Toto, his pet parrot, chirps. He can be such a gem sometimes, and this is apparently one of those times. Thanks to him, Beomgyu catches Soobin who looks as though he is just about to leave. 

“Already? You haven’t had any food though, have you?”

Soobin looks up at Beomgyu through his eyelashes. He’s sat at the bottom of the stairs, struggling to tie his shoelaces with rushed, fumbling fingers, “Yeah, I uh— I’m not feeling too well, actually. It’s probably for the best if I just go home,” he replies with a tight-lipped smile. 

Beomgyu searches Soobin’s face for any tell-tale signs of an oncoming fever, brows tightening and eyes turning worried when he sees Soobin’s reddened cheeks and glassy eyes. He reaches his hands out to cup his face, “You're burning up. I’ll take you home.”

Soobin’s eyes are blown wide, and he begins to shake his head, “I’m okay! Just don’t— don’t worry about me, yeah? I can look after myself. I’m older than you, you know.”

“Three months isn’t as long as you think it is, hyung,” Beomgyu snorts, shrugging on his coat, “I wanted to talk to you alone, anyway.”

So Soobin gives in.

It’s chillier than the time of year calls for, and the winds bite at their ears and at the tips of their fingers, so they hold them intertwined. Each breath comes out in puffs of white vapor that dances ahead of them until it bleeds out into the cool air. Beomgyu thinks that Soobin is lying about feeling unwell, but he doesn’t prod him any further. 

“You said you wanted to talk about something.”

Beomgyu can’t help the smile that spreads across his face. He stops in his tracks, eyes glistening. 

“Well, uh, Jaeyun kissed me— actually, I think I kissed him first, but like, he got me this really cute necklace and then— then we kissed.”

What he expects is for Soobin to smile back at him, ask him whether it was just like in the movies; what he gets, however, is a simple _‘oh... that’s cool’_ and an ice cold breeze against his hand as Soobin moves to pocket his own.

“You should probably go, Beomgyu,” he deadpans, turning to look Beomgyu in the eye, “I don’t want you to miss out on your own party for me.” 

There’s a look on his face he just can’t shake off with something inexplicably sad about it in its essence, yet defensive, as if Soobin is building a wall of bricks around himself and Beomgyu is confused. His mouth hangs, agape. He closes it, and opens it again like a fish out of water. For once, he is at a loss for words. 

There is a newly built wall between him and Soobin, and there’s nothing he can do but stare up at it and desperately hope for it to crumble.

☆

“What time is it?” Soobin’s eyes are trained on the road, and his voice cuts through the sound of the radio crackling and the nameless song that plays to fill the spaces between them.

“Uh, eleven forty-six.”

Beomgyu plays with the thin, silver chain that hangs around his neck, fingers lingering over the slight indentations running through the metal as he looks out the window. The lurid yellow lights of the street lamps blur into a single dancing streak, and Beomgyu taps his fingers to the rhythm of the song against the door. 

_Inhale._

"You're leaving again next year," Beomgyu starts. He's apprehensive about this; doesn't want to irritate him. Soobin is almost done with college, and Beomgyu would be too if he had only tried harder. It's nobody's fault but his, and he feels selfish, but this time it might be the end. How much longer can Beomgyu follow Soobin around until his presence becomes bothersome? They're not sixteen anymore, they're _adults_. Soobin is already on the lookout for a full-time job back in Seoul and nothing pains Beomgyu more than the idea of drifting apart from him. 

Distance wouldn’t be the issue, they’ve played that game before with Beomgyu held back in Seoul. Back then, though, they were younger with plenty of time to entertain their naivety. 

Soobin turns to look at him. The road ahead of them is empty and, right now, it’s just them under the stars; a promise of life in the darkness. An unspoken, _I’m not going anywhere._

 _What time is it?_ It’s eleven forty-seven, and Beomgyu feels each second slip through his fingers like sand through an hourglass. 

★

Beomgyu sees the strange look on Soobin’s face for the second time when they’re both seventeen, and it feels like his world is crumbling down around them. They’re in what should be their final year of high school, with dreams and ambitions of moving away together for college flying high around their heads. Those dreams come shattering down like a broken mirror when Beomgyu is held behind a year in high school.

Beomgyu cries. At first, he cries because he’s scared: _what would his mother say?_ And then, reality strikes: Soobin is leaving him. Soobin is leaving him and there's nothing he can do about it.

"Maybe this will be good for the both of us," Soobin starts. They're lying on the floor of Soobin's bedroom, looking up at the glow-in-the-dark stars stuck up on the ceiling, "I can't be that hard to replace."

It's a light-hearted joke, but the words come out of Soobin's mouth stiff with jagged edges. 

"If I could, I would've done it long ago, hyung," Beomgyu retorts, rolling his eyes. 

"Then what's there to be worried about?"

There's a silence filled with unuttered words and bated breaths. Beomgyu turns to face Soobin and there's that look on his face again, like he's trying to freeze time and capture this moment forever with a click of a polaroid. 

They make a silent promise that day, and that's the second time Soobin gives him _the_ _look_ \- the sad one, the one that makes needles prick at Beomgyu's heart every time he sees it. He thinks it could haunt him for the rest of his life.

☆

It's past midnight, now. 

"We should go home," Soobin says, and Beomgyu nods.

Home. It's not home, not really. Home has Toto, his mother's homemade food, and a double bed. Calling the four bedroom, off-campus apartment they share with Taehyun, Yeonjun and Kai a home would be generous, but the five of them make do with what they have. It isn't the best: there’s a leaky faucet (Beomgyu finds it easy to fall asleep listening to the pitter-patter of the water, but Yeonjun complains about the strain it has on the water bill— they really should ask their landlord to get it fixed soon), and something green and ugly has nestled itself in the corners of their bathroom ceiling.

There is one thing though— someone, even— that remains a constant between his home back in Seoul and his home now. Soobin. And it's like Beomgyu says: wherever Soobin goes, he follows. 

* * *

There is a low, sudden _thump!_ as they make their way back. Everything in the car shakes, sending dull vibrations up Beomgyu’s spine. A loud, vaguely concerning flapping noise follows and the car pulls slightly to the left before coming to a slow stop in the middle of the road. 

Soobin exhales sharply, “What was that?” 

“Sounds like a tire puncture or something,” Beomgyu says, sighing in frustration as he opens the door to take a look. He’s right. The front left wheel sags downwards. If Beomgyu tilts his head and squints it looks a little like a downtrodden face. He approaches Soobin’s side of the car and taps at the window, “Yeah, it’s flat. Must’ve run over something.”

Soobin groans, dragging a hand down his face,“I’ll call Yeonjun-hyung.”

The phone rings twice in Soobin’s hand before Yeonjun picks up the call.

“No.”

They both stare down at the phone in silent disbelief. “We haven’t even said anything,” Beomgyu says, affronted. 

“You don’t have to say anything, you two only ever ring me when you need something,” Yeonjun says, “I’m busy anyway. Taehyunie and I are watching _The Notebook_.” His smile is audible, even through the phone. 

“You’ve watched that movie a billion times, hyung,” Soobin takes a deep breath, “anyway, our car’s gone flat. You can’t just leave us stranded here!” 

There’s a silence on the other side before Taehyun pipes up with, “Oh he will, but there’s a spare tyre in the back. Get Beomgyu-hyung to fix it,” and the call disconnects before they can say anything else. Soobin looks up at Beomgyu expectantly. 

“Well at least help me out then!” 

* * *

It’s far from ideal. The cold air wicks at their bare hands as they work to replace the flat tyre but they’re lucky the road is so empty tonight. Soobin wraps his hand tighter around himself, tucking his chin into his too-thin sweater. Beomgyu snorts quietly to himself. Between the two of them, Soobin had always been the quickest to get cold; even when they were younger, he was the first to tap out of snowball fights and scramble indoors. His whining had only increased as he grew up (Beomgyu likes to think it’s because he’s just bigger, with more surface area from which to lose his precious body heat).

Beomgyu pauses, and begins to unzip his coat, “Here, you wear it.” 

Soobin attempts to protest, standing up to dodge him to no avail. Beomgyu insists and presses the thing into his hands, “It’s probably too small for you but...” he trails off and they stand like that for a moment. Soobin just smiles back at him, soft at the corner of his mouth, and shrugs into the coat. The sight wraps a coil around Beomgyu’s fragile heart and he thinks about all the ways he can pay back Soobin for his kindness: by offering his coat, walking him home, accompanying him during these late-night drives; about how nothing he does will ever be enough.

He shakes away the thoughts, crouching down to tighten the wheel bolts using a cross wrench. He follows the instruction manual for the rest of the steps and tries to recall his father’s movements back from when he would watch his father fix cars during his race car driver days, Soobin hands him each tool, nut and bolt. 

"I was thinking,” Soobin hesitates, “I could find a job nearby instead of moving back."

Beomgyu pauses at that, “Oh?”

“Yeah, like, I’d be earning money, so rent would be easier to pay. And you wouldn’t have to look for new people, either,” Soobin glances up at him, nervous, and continues when there’s no response, “temporarily, obviously— but I think it’d be good for us. And when you’re done with college we’ll go back home.” He stops before adding: “Together.” 

The air surrounding them feels stifled all of a sudden and Beomgyu turns away to save face, embarrassed. Embarrassed that it’s all come down to this again: Soobin offering to stay behind for Beomgyu. He is an anchor, and he’s dragging Soobin down with him into murky water.

“No,” and his voice comes out harsher than he intends it to, “you should go.” 

For a moment Soobin looks taken aback, and who can blame him? “But— but I want to stay. Here, with you.” 

Beomgyu wants to agree. More than anything else, he wants to reach out for Soobin and tell him that he should stay. But the words are jumbled at the tip of his tongue. They sound unfamiliar, more like, "I don't _need_ you to stay here with me," and it still sounds harsher than he intends it to, leaving a bitter aftertaste inside his mouth. 

Soobin straightens up at that, expression suddenly gone cold. He laughs but it comes out like the fragmented pieces of a broken mirror from his mouth. "God, I had no idea I was so much of a burden to you." 

A shattered hourglass. Sand that creeps up, rises and covers Beomgyu whole. He wants to apologise, to hold Soobin close and tell him what he really means but he can’t, he can’t even _move._ His feet are rooted to the ground, and there’s that wall again, separating the two like it had once before. 

“I just think you’d be wasting your time if you stay here just for me.”

He doesn’t want to hold Soobin back, doesn’t want Soobin’s pity, isn’t worthy of it. Soobin looks at him and he feels so small, like he could curl up into a ball and turn into nothingness, but he sags under the weight of it.

“I wouldn’t be doing it for you, but fine. If you insist.”

Beomgyu has no idea what that means.

* * *

It’s difficult when they live under the same roof. 

Beomgyu immerses himself into his classes and holes himself in his room, doesn’t leave unless it’s necessary to and he tries his hardest to stay out of Soobin’s way. It’s easier like this. He figures that he is the last person Soobin would want to see, not after what he had said that day. 

He realises a lot of things about himself, that studying isn’t so bad if he can put his head down, that he could do much better in class if he puts his mind to it. That he might like Soobin as a little more than a friend.

According to Kai, the latter should have been obvious (definitely the most frightening revelation). 

He comes in one day carrying several plastic bags. 

“You didn’t come down for lunch, so I decided to bring you something,” it’s not often that the boy looks so unsure. He shifts his weight between his feet, standing awkwardly at the door. “We could eat together, hyung. If you’d like to, I mean.”

Beomgyu moves his books aside and makes space for Kai, “As long as it’s not seafood.”

Kai is a year younger than Beomgyu, as is Taehyun, but only Kai is in his classes. They’re both performing arts students and they get along pretty well, dumb and dumber. But they have their serious moments too. They talk about college, their plans for next year and finally, Soobin. Beomgyu feels a lot lighter by the end of it.

* * *

Eventually, Beomgyu’s luck runs dry when he bumps into Soobin late one night while he is on a scavenge for something to eat. It was inevitable, really. Running circles around one another, ruining his sleep schedule just to stay out of Soobin’s way. He knew it was just a matter of time before they would run into each other, one way or another, in the end. 

“Oh, hey,” Soobin is crouched over the counter, phone in his hands. “You’re up late.”

Beomgyu arms are limp at his sides and his tongue feels like lead in his mouth.

“I get it, it’s fine. I’ll just go.” There’s pain in Soobin’s words, and his eyes. Soobin who is been nothing but kind to everyone. Soobin who doesn’t deserve this at all.

The word lodged in Beomgyu’s throat runs free, “No!” it sounds louder than he expects, and it’s definitely too loud for 2AM on a Monday. “No… you can stay. I’m sorry.”

Soobin halts, “You don’t ha—”

“—No, I do,” Beomgyu insists, “I’m sorry, hyung.”

Beomgyu thinks back to what Kai had said about the relief that comes after telling the truth, so he does. He takes each shard of his broken mirror and pieces them together. 

“I didn’t mean any of it. I just,” he sighs, balls his fists then lets go, “I didn’t want to be a burden. And I lashed out when I shouldn’t have and made _you_ feel like a burden which was the _last_ thing I wanted.” 

Soobin listens and he nods. He doesn’t look up at Beomgyu, not once, and the fact gnaws at Beomgyu’s chest.

“You’re just so incredibly kind and I guess— I guess a part of me felt like I didn’t deserve it and another part of me was just, so, _so_ confused,” this elicits a reaction from Soobin and he looks up to meet Beomgyu’s eyes. Beomgyu looks at him, properly, under the garish kitchen lights. The lack of sleep is evident; it’s in the way Soobin’s shoulders hang, lax, it’s in the dullness of his eyes, and the hoarseness of his voice. He’s perplexed. He doesn’t understand why it seems to have taken such a toll on Soobin.

“I can’t believe you.” 

Beomgyu freezes, “I’m sorry?”

“I’ve tried telling you, Beomgyu, but when that didn’t work I tried showing you. All these years we’ve known each other, I tried. I figured you just didn’t feel the same way, and when you said you didn’t need me I realised that it was just me all along.”

It hits Beomgyu like a freight train, then, what it means. All the glances, and what seemed to be unreasonable reactions from Soobin’s side. It all makes sense. The final piece of the mirror, it fits, and Beomgyu can finally see.

“And that’s okay,” Soobin’s lips curve into a watery smile, “you’re my best friend.”

Beomgyu doesn’t know when he starts crying but Soobin is rushing to him before he knows it, wiping the wetness away with the pads of his thumbs, “I’m sorry…” 

Soobin clicks his tongue and presses a finger to Beomgyu’s lips, “Stop, it’s fine, really. It’s okay.” 

“No it’s not. We’re so stupid, hyung,” his laugh sounds foreign to his own ears, cracked and wet. In all honesty, he feels quite pathetic. “We could have avoided all this if we’d just confessed”

It’s Soobin’s turn to look shocked now, “We?”

Beomgyu nods through tears. He must look a real state, but Soobin's eyes are so tender it makes him feels like his entire body is aflame.

“So will you let me stay?” It's an arrow shot in the dark because they both know what's coming. There’s a silence, but it’s okay because Beomgyu isn’t scared anymore. This time he has the right words. He takes Soobin’s hand in his and rubs circles around each knuckle absentmindedly. 

“I still think you should go.”

Soobin nods, slowly, “Okay… carry on.”

“I want you to stay here with me, more than anything else. But I don’t want to hold you back here when there are much better opportunities in Seoul.” he picks his words carefully. “And I’ll be there. Once the year is over, we’ll be together again.”

Soobin seems reluctant to give in, but Beomgyu squeezes his hand, _it’s okay, we'll be okay._ They've done this before, back when they were eighteen, it should be easier now that they are older.

“Can I kiss you, at the very least?” Soobin's eyes flit to Beomgyu's lips and he feels a sudden surge of heat rise to his cheeks.

Beomgyu half laughs-half breathes, reaches up and pulls Soobin down to him and he kisses him. It's far from perfect, it's messy, almost, but it sends a shiver Beomgyu's spine and leaves him breathless. Soobin tastes of apple and cinnamon, sweet in his mouth.

It's a crumbling wall, it's a promise, and it isn’t at all like it is in the movies (it's better). 

**Author's Note:**

> to aria: merry christmas!! thank you for giving me the opportunity to write something like this, and i hope that even though it doesn't follow the prompt to the T, it was an enjoyable read! (also, im sorry it's so short, especially in comparison to the other works under this collection TT). 
> 
> to everyone else, i hope the holiday season treats you well, and thank you for reading!!
> 
> merry christmas!! ♡
> 
> you can find me [here](https://mobile.twitter.com/b4mtoli)


End file.
